You Can't Have Your Cake
by OnasiMagic
Summary: The Reapers have been defeated, is that the same fate for Shepard & Kaidan's relationship? A simple argument has Kaidan questioning what went so terribly wrong.


Things were bad, worse than they'd ever been before. If a percentage had to be applied it would register in the upper 90 percentile. Sure there had been arguments before but if he had to put a finger on what was escalating the scale on this one it would all come down to the fact that he just didn't care anymore. And therein was the majority of the problem.

He didn't care that they were fighting, didn't care that they hadn't spoken to each other in days, not even uttering a few formalities while in the presence of others.

Didn't care that he'd actually said, in the heat of the moment, that she was a selfish bitch.

Well, okay, maybe he did care a little about that one, but he couldn't deny that he'd probably say it again if given the chance.

Somehow, someway, this is what their relationship had been reduced to. He could blame it on her dying during the height of their relationship or the anger he hadn't seemed to get a grip on after seeing her in a Cerberus uniform, but they were supposed to have worked their way past that, moved on to a better place. This was not a better place.

And yet he couldn't bring himself to just give up on 'them'. Surely, after all they'd been through, with Saren, with the Reapers, this should be the easy part.

The galaxy was saved, the end to the journey that had brought them together so many years ago. This is what their goal had been. Finding each other along the way had been the best part, well, aside from surviving. And she'd survived, she was alive! Something he would have sacrificed his own life for given the choice. Both during the two years he'd spent without her and the moments leading up to the defeat of the Reapers.

Kaidan couldn't help the thoughts that kept worming their way into his brain, offering up their various reasons for the current state of their relationship. Had it all been hero worship? Had they just been too caught up in the moment, the looming fate, two people just thrown together only for that moment in time? Did she resent his title, his impeccable record, while hers lay tarnished, buried under all her sacrifices to save a galaxy that never did appreciate, or acknowledge, all she'd suffered? Her rank should be higher than his by now, but she'd never outlive a time when her choices were forgiven. Perhaps even he didn't forgive her choices.

And that brought him right back to their argument.

It had started innocently enough, in fact, he'd had high hopes for the evening. The previous two days had been spent reconnecting with friends they hadn't seen in over four months. Travel was a dicey affair during these reconstruction times. And while he enjoyed reconnecting with Garrus, Liara, Joker and Wrex he was actually looking forward to a nice relaxing evening, alone, with Shepard. He'd even given up any say in the movie choice for the night. It didn't matter what they watched, he was just thrilled to be spending the last few days of his leave with her...

"Cake, cake and ice cream would be good. There's a little cafe' right around the corner that specializes in Earthly delights." Those were the words Shepard spoke that brought their evening crashing down.

"Alright," he'd replied, giving her a kiss before setting off to get the confections and perhaps after the movie he'd broach the subject that was at the forefront of his mind.

Upon returning he offered up the provisions, a small container of brownies replacing the 'cake' she'd adamantly asked for. The cake had been three times the price of the brownies and he'd made a split decision. One he found himself regretting as she unpacked the bags, inquiring, "No cake?"

His explanation fell on deaf ears and before he could get a handle on the situation all hell had broken loose. Instead of talking about cake and brownies they were yelling about choices and decisions. Somehow, by him buying brownies instead of the cake, he was doubting her decisions, every single last one of them, from ordering him off the Normandy while she went to rescue Joker to joining with Cerberus to fight the Collectors, and whether or not he doubted her choice in killing 300,000 Batarians. What the hell?

And in that moment all he could think about was the cake, the brownies and wonder how the fuck they represented so goddamn much. For crying out loud, he'd just gone to the store for her, the least she could do was appreciate it. In fact, she hadn't appreciated anything he'd sacrificed for her. Not once had she ever acknowledged any of it.

Sure, he hadn't handled the situation on Horizon all that great, ok, he'd handled it pretty badly, but he DID compromise his position in the Alliance when he sent her the follow up message.

And he DID put her before the protection of the council when Cerberus tried to overtake the Citadel, lowering his gun and putting all his years of training aside to show how much he believed in her. Did none of that mean anything?

And that's when those awful words came out of his mouth, all the while still thinking about cake and brownies, "You ungrateful bitch!"

Without another word, she'd simply walked away. And in those few moments afterward he realized how different he was behaving since her death.

Prior to that he had blindly gone with her choices, and if he doubted them he would just ask her about them. He didn't do that anymore, afraid of the ghosts in the closet. Afraid of what she might say that would make him feel guilty for the times he wasn't there by her side.

And it was in that knowing, in that knowledge, that he started to let go. Started to not care anymore. Started what was now the awful, bad place they were in.

And he had no idea how to make it right again.


End file.
